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The Chaos Within Me


Sometimes when the world sleeps, I sit back and watch myself crumble into the midnight calm. I'm still trying to heal from the stuff I don't talk about. I'm still trying to control how I respond to things that destroy my inner peace.  It's hard sometimes to understand why am I this way. I'm such a "but why" person. I need to know "why" you made that decision. I feel like "why" is the most important question.  I've always believed in adoring scars and I thought I wouldn't mind a scar on my heart, but who knew it would bleed so hard. Worse when nobody can see the cracks or hear the destruction. I wish I knew more about heartbreaks that it isn't just about poetries and performances, I wish I knew it was also about wet pillows and clingy T-shirts.

I wished if I could take myself back to the days when I slept without overthinking. Every night, I ask myself why do I hold on to memories so tight and then I get an answer from my inner-self that the only reason I hold on to memories so tight is because they are the only ones who don't change while everybody else does. Memories Hurt So Much! Even friendship breakups are so weird especially when there were no actual problems between you guys. Friends can break your heart too! Why do we always choose people who ignore us for others? Why aren't we able to choose people who choose to ignore the world for us instead of ignoring us? They made you apologize for loving them to much. People broke me but I never felt like mot giving a second chance to them. I'm such a "No! No!" Such a "No it's okay" kind of a person even when I haven't healed from that wound. I like being nice to people because honestly we never know what people are dealing with in their personal lives.

I ask myself every night "What have I been avoiding that could change my life for better if I pressed past the discomfort? How would my life be if I would have given up on some people?" With all such questions in my head I drag myself to my writing stuff to pour my heart out so that I can feel lighter.  Often the CHAOS in me questions me for the way I am.  I wish I hadn't accepted my defeat of love and tried to win you over but Why would I if you never care for me? I walked on my way of becoming a writer from a loving person and that is when I realized I'd rather write immensely about what I feel rather than having another heartbreak by not letting it out through my tears and words.

"If you write about it, you feel it way harder!"

-Vaishnavi Bajpai 

 

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